Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
You Might Also Like
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
This kid will have a bright future.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.