son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
You Might Also Like
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.