Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.


SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms


ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot


If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.


Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.


There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.


Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.


[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom