Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
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I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
My god she’s good.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
accurate
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.