@treydayway The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
@LaLuchaNix Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
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@treydayway 
@OllyiConic SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
@hansabumsadaisy Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
@fro_vo ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
@CubanaMama82 If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
@MatCro Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
@_maybe_not_ever Saving my good tweets for marriage
@CroweJam There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
@Cheeseboy22 Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
@AbrasiveGhost [at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom