Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.