Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

phew

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

No YOUR a grammar nazi!

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?

Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.