Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
A leaf fell!
-My dog’s daily announcements
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I bet birds love this building.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.
Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut