Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
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It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?