Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need