@MomOnFire

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

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@Adam_Kingsnorth

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

@Overdue_Bills

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

@Contwixt

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

@malber

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

@LinusTechTip_

(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg

@crunchenhanced

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

@tiffistrying

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

@funderlaw

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

@Where__wolf

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away