Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.