@Adam_Kingsnorth Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
@MomOnFire Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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@Adam_Kingsnorth 
@Overdue_Bills Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
@Contwixt Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
@malber I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
@TheHatStore me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
@LinusTechTip_ (standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
@crunchenhanced [a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
@tiffistrying I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
@funderlaw I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
@Where__wolf A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away