Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
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Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes