SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Not all heroes wear capes….
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”