@JillianKarger

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

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@RxitWounds

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@Jake_Vig

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

@stewiecoffee

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

@introvertedwife

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

@blood_orphan

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

@DanMentos

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

@TheHyyyype

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ

@KentWGraham

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

@JohnLyonTweets

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.