POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
ME: there was so much blood
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
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Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Hmm, not sure about this change
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.