SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago


ME: there was so much blood


ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

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What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]


Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?


My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.


I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.


I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.


*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?


anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ


My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.


The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.