Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
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In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.