[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
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My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.