Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
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5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.