[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
dutch is not a serious language
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Truth
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”