Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
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Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago