Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
You Might Also Like
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.