SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
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I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.