Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”