Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet