Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp