(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
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So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles