Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye