Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.