Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
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Stop sending me this shit.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
me, too, girl. me, too.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The three genders
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.