@UncleDuke1969

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

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@StorvLovesYou

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

@Erin1137

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

@hythemafia

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

@NicCageMatch

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

@MelvinofYork

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

@dhilliard74

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

@AaronFullerton

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

@envydatropic

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

@Parkerlawyer

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.