There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
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When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.