@david8hughes

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

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@Probgoblin

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

@_davidlucas_

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

@panmidwest

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

@PetrickSara

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

@botandy

You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.

@MyMomologue

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

@House_Feminist

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

@SortaBad

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

@_elvishpresley_

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin