I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
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I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”
What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less