Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
You Might Also Like
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE