SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
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[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: