Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
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[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.