Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Holy moly
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD