Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
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It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My dog ate my work from home.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My dating profile:
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
🤣could you imagine
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Dietest Coke
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”