Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.