@Tmoney68

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

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@scootergonscoot

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

@GrantTanaka

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

@FrenulumBreve

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

@Token_Geezer

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

@AnniemuMary

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

@Havish_AF

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

@AddledPixie

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

@Reverend_Scott

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

@kimt205

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.