Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
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I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
where the womens at?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.