son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
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If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Practicing safe sax