SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
So the ex texted me
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.