Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
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What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
reduce, reuse, recycle
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to