@notacroc

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

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@thedad

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

@TheBoydP

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

@HatfieldAnne

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

@JediGigi

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

@Jeffwni

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

@ThugRaccoons

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

@CornOnTheGoblin

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

@climaxximus

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

@TheAndrewNadeau

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.