Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
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Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
i think both sides are to blame here
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.