son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
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ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*