“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

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[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why


5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.


Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes


My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.


You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!


If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.


[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”


Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”