“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
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What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
#inspiration #foodforthought
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS