Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
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You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Rambo Rambow
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I want to meet the individual who made this