Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
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Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I’m giving up for Lent.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars