Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

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Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.


[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit


In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.


No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark


Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”


6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.

Don’t tempt me kid.


If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”


“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower