Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
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Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.