@Try2StopME Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
@OBiiieeee Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
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@Try2StopME 
@EmissaryKerry Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
@BlindChow [pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
@Brianhopecomedy In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
@mrtruthandsoul Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
@Ygrene No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
@stephenjmolloy [Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
@IHideFromMyKids 6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
@weinerdog4life If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
@kryzazzy “New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower