Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
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“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Any refunds available?…
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy