son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
You learn something every day
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.