Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
You Might Also Like
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
🙂🙃🥹
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.