[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
live long and prosper!
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
need a new bf mines broken 😐
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Duolingo getting serious.