Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT