Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
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Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.