Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
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Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news