Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
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I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.