Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
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News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Can. I. Help. You.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner