“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card