@coolbutgood

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

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@colsonwhitehead

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

@ellieholcomb

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

@RodLacroix

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

@TheAlexNevil

Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.

@antoniodelotero

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@HomeProbably

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

@Proxic0n

[Date]

Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?

Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.

*We just start making out*

@bridger_w

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

@TheCatWhisprer

[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute

@drunkNnaughty

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends