sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
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Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
selfie game
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
it is time once again
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.