Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
You Might Also Like
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-